So a neighbor with prized heirloom apples is angry about your wee thief. Before I pose a solution, a short preface:
The glamorous life of a published author is full of perks, experiences the average joe can hardly imagine. One of these life enhancers is fan mail—fan email now. What a boon this is to a writer’s confidence and self-absorption. Someone has read my book! Getting a fan letter is like receiving a mirror as a present. For example, I received this note just the other day: Dear Mr. Wallace, I hope you’re doing well. I recently explored Star Wars: The High Republic: The Lightsaber Collection, and I was genuinely impressed by how beautifully you captured the elegance, craftsmanship, and lore behind each lightsaber.
How can a writer respond to such praise other than with a humble Thank you for noticing?
Here is another, randomly picked from my digital fan-mail bag:
Dear Daniel, I am a huge fan of the lore you wrote for Star Wars. I was wondering if perhaps I could ask some questions about Grand Admiral Demetrius Zaarin, Major Crundha, Commander Raveen, Commander Namuura Din, and the Force-Sensitive Stormtrooper 17786?
Of course you can. Ask. Away.
It didn’t take me long at all to realize that these notes weren’t meant for me but for another Daniel Wallace. I did hold out hope, briefly, that I had written books about the Star Wars universe and simply forgotten about it. But that doesn’t appear to be the case. The Star Wars Daniel Wallace is a force in that world. He also happens to be a very nice guy, and not immune to a comparable confusion. “I did a book signing in Vegas,” he wrote me, “and my heart sank when a very excited man walked up holding a dog-eared copy of Big Fish.”
Back to the mailbag. How can I be of help, curious reader?
Dr. Wallace, I’m putting together a lecture and presentation on the book Two Powers in Heaven, and I’ve hit a roadblock. I’m currently exploring the question of whether or not Jesus could have accepted “latreuo” worship by referencing Daniel 7:14 in Mark 14.
I’m going to put this aside and come back to it later. Moving on:
Dr. Wallace, I am writing to ask you a question regarding the morphosyntactic exegesis of the New Testament.
My position on both of these emails is: What did you say? Also, best, I think, to ask Dr. Daniel Wallace, who actually exists and is a renowned scholar of the New Testament.
But all of this brings me back to the question at hand. How to deal with—better yet, how to understand—the drama being played out with your neighbor and his heirloom apple tree.
A part of me wants to say that this apple-eating escapade hearkens back to the Garden of Eden, where Adam and Eve—in a morphosyntactic kind of way—ate of the fruit and started everything we’re dealing with to this day. Is your neighbor God? Check that out before proceeding.
Another part of me wants to say that your son or daughter is the only thing saving the Empire from your neighbor (Darth Vader), and they should eat as many damn apples as they want and then blow the tree to smithereens with a laser beam.
But the novelist in me wants to say I hope the apples are as good as your neighbor thinks they are, and to thank him for sharing, whether he wants to or not.
Have a conundrum of your own? Email [email protected].
Daniel Wallace is the author of Big Fish as well as five other novels, including his most recent, Extraordinary Adventures. He directs the creative writing program at the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill.
